Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It's so hard... to say goodbye!

Well, I guess this is as good of a place as any to just let myself go. I got a phone call this morning informing me that my grandfather was in the ICU and that they were gathering the family and taking him off of life support. He had a living will, and did not want any extreme measures done to save his life. Keep in mind that my grandfather is living in Maine (with the rest of my family). As much as I wanted to jump on a plane and get home, I knew that it was not the right thing to do to my family here, in Phoenix.
I waited all day long for updates on him. Everyone kept saying that he was not going to make it through the day. That they took him off life support and he wasnt being responsive. That he was retaining fluid and they thought his kidneys were going to fail. That if that was not the case, at best his heart would have too much pressure on it from the fluid and his heart would fail. Either way it was lose lose. The doctors did not have hope. They had him on a morphine drip up until the very end.
My Aunt Vicki had been with him since Monday at the hospital, along with her step mother and her foster brothers/sisters. Brittney was the only one who almost did not get to say goodbye. Well, except for me of course. Luckly, she got there in time. Shortly after she arrived in Sanford, he passed away. At 12:16 A.M. to be exact. I got the phone call not 15 minutes later. Both from my Aunt and my Brother. I've been on the out and out with the both of them, but am so happy that they pushed the maddness aside to pull together for me.
I have not had the best relationship with my grandfather since my mother passed away in 2005. Before that, I was his little princess.... His wife, my grandmother (and i use that term loosely) managed to get in the middle of things due to her pushyness and needless to say, I dont have much of a relationship with him anymore. I feel bad that the last time I talked to him was before my wedding when he just didnt even care to say two words to me. I feel bad that I did not get to tell him that even though I thought he was being a big jerk, that I still loved him and looked up to him. I did not get to tell him goodbye.... That is the hardest part of it all.
So, in the morning, I am flying back to Maine for a few days. I am going to take the time to give everyone an extra hug. Tell everyone how much I love them. Because honestly, we dont know how long we are going to last. Could be a minute, could be an hour, could be a year... who knows, could be a heck of a lot longer then that. All I do know is as much as I thought i was ready for him to pass on because of how sick he'd been the last 5 years, it still hit me as hard as it would have if it were a sudden thing.
That's all for now! I'll be sure to update everyone in the nest few days.

xoxo - Momma V


  1. I'm so sorry Jess. I am sorry for your loss, but am glad to hear that at this time of mourning your family could rally and be there for each other. Travel safe!

  2. I'm sorry Jess - it is always hard to say goodbye...thinking of you!