Sunday, September 5, 2010

Day 3~ Forgiving myself

Ok, so day three just jumps right into the heavy huh? It wants to know what is something that I need to forgive myself for.

This is truly a hard one for me. Not so much hard as in what I should post about but hard as in emotional. Something I hate myself for every single day. The reason being it really hits home, and makes me realize that time doesn't last forever and you never know when you are going to lose someone you love.

My mother passed away on July 16th, 2005. As an adult, I was never really close to her. In fact, if you go read this post here, you'll have some of that explained to you. She lived the kind of life style that I just did not want for my children. She liked to drink. A lot. We grew up watching this as kids and I just did not want my boys around that kind of thing.

I would only go see her for an hour or so at a time. As soon as she would start drinking, I would say I had plans to do something and we would leave. My Mom knew my oldest son, but she never got to know Kaleb or Christian. She had passed away before William was born so she never even met him.

I really hate myself for taking the only chance the boys would get to know her, away from them (and her). I hate that because I had a few issues with her that I took away their chances of getting to know each other. Because I was selfish my Mom had probably only seen the younger two a handful of times, for only few hours. Really... I mean, was my judgement of her so awful that I couldn't even deal for just a little while longer?

So every single day, I try to forgive myself for being so selfish. I NEED to learn how to just let some things go. Even though people live different life styles then myself, I need to know that it is OK for my boys to get to know them as long as I am stable enough to keep them out of danger. Each day, I get a little bit closer to forgiving myself for keeping them from her. Really, I do. I just wish I would have realized this before she passed away.

Now I ask you, is there anything you need to forgive yourself for?

1 comment:

  1. It is often hard to love someone in the moment what they are so sick with such an illness. They don't even realize it hurts everyone around them and all you see is their selfishness at the given moment...alcoholism isn't an easy disease for anyone involved...I'm sorry you didn't realize this until she was gone...but time will heal...