Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Day 4 ~ To forgive and forget? maybe

Day 4 of the 30 day truth talks about someone we need to forgive.

This is an easy one. Kind of. My father left my mother when we were really young. I don't remember much of him. My mother never talked bad of him (which I am happy for, but I don't know if I could keep quiet if it were my husband that just up and left my family) but ever since I can remember, I was so angry at him. Angry because of not having a steady male role model in my life. It's hard to not have that. I think had he been around, that my life may have turned out differently. But who knows. One will never know and I am finally OK with that.

Now, you are probably wondering why I need to forgive him for leaving us? I mean, he was gone for 26ish years. Why would I even think about forgiving him? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it is because I need to learn to let things go a little.

My fathers sister got in contact with me a little over a year ago. The joys of the internet and facebook right? I have not heard from any of my fathers siblings at all. His father used to write my mother letters when we were kids, but he wasn't around either for reasons I am not comfortable disclosing here. I never met him, but I read all the letters he would write for years and years. Anyways, back to my Fathers Sister. She sent me this message on FB. Telling me ALL about my life. Who my mom was, who my brother was. My Aunt and Uncles name, etc. Then at the end, she said " I apologize if this is the wrong Jessica Maiden Name, but I just don't want you to think I am crazy if I am correct in assuming this is you".

WOW. My world stopped for a minute. I did not have my husband to talk to. He was in Phoenix. My mother had passed away a few years earlier. So I called the next closest thing to her, My Aunt Vicki. I was dumb founded. Didn't know if I should write back or not. I decided, hey... what do I have to lose. If she is psycho, I can block her. We went back and forth for about 2 weeks. She was answering my questions about why they weren't around and why my father did not message me himself. Then...... a note from him...

Yep, it's been weird. I have not received all the answers I want out of him. Not even close. But we've been talking. Well, chatting on FB IM. That way when I get annoyed or frustrated, I can just log off and forget about him until I am ready to deal with it again. He wants us to be family. Wants for me to let my children meet him (Keep dreaming old man). He has apologized but I just have a hard time accepting it. I think I need to forgive him, but I don't think I'll ever forget what he did to us when we were little. I guess only time will tell.

1 comment:

  1. I'm a firm believer in forgiving...not forgetting, like you said...but forgiving. It is a powerful, loving thing to do because in doing so you are helping yourself to heal too, not only the other person...but you can only forgive when you are ready too...